Because Kindness Knows No Calendar
BARBARA GRUENERAs we turn the calendar from October to November and approach another annual event, World Kindness Day 2024, I’m sitting in my serenity spot reflecting on what happens when we make kindness a lifestyle rather than a one-off. Don’t get me wrong; I love the opportunity to join global movements like setting aside a day to join hands and celebrate this life-changing gift worldwide. There’s a huge benefit to being a kindness catalyst and enjoying the ripple effect of that movement, but just imagine the out-of-this-world warmth if that sort of synergy were at play 24/7, 365.
A lofty goal or a possible reality? Let’s back it up a bit and go back to the beginning.
Empathy gives kindness its why. After hearing Dr. Michele Borba say that “dormant empathy does no good,” my entire approach to teaching kindness changed. Turns out, humankind is hard-wired for empathy; our job, then, is to elevate it so that it mobilizes compassion and becomes a kind act. This takes me back to my days as a 4-H member during my formative years. Consider the 4-H Club’s
Pledge:
I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service and my health to better living, for my club, my community, my country, and my world.
Head. That’s where our cognitive empathy lives. It’s the part which invites us to step into one another’s stories to think through what they might want or need during this moment in time. It’s the chance to sit with them, to listen with intention to understand what they’re going through, regardless of how painful it might be. I pledge my head to clearer thinking. It’s where the platinum rule - Treat others the way they want to be treated. - starts. It’s a mindset. Empathy invites us to switch places with others. And it’s where we begin to comprehend what it’s like to walk in their shoes. If it stops here, our empathy won’t do any good, and, in fact, can turn into empathic distress or ruinous empathy. So let’s keep going.
Heart. The affective part of empathy, fondly known as compassion. It’s all about embracing the feelings that accompany the experience we’re working diligently to understand. It’s about feeling with, which means we not only step into their stories, but we can also feel what they’re feeling. I pledge my heart to greater loyalty. To suffer together, that’s what the word compassion literally means. Co-suffering. It’s a heartset. Brené Brown says that compassion is not a virtue, but a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have; it’s something we choose to practice. And the Dalai Lama adds that compassion is a sensitivity to the suffering of self and others with a deep commitment to try to relieve it. Notable is the part where it’s not just for others, but also for self; self-compassion is key because we cannot give away what we don’t have. It’s also critical to mention that compassion fatigue can be a huge hurdle for our own mental fitness if we do not take ample care of ourselves as caregivers.
Hands. Step three in our empathy trifecta, the behavioral piece of the pledge. How do we turn empathy and compassion into something a little more tangible? Enter kindness, our opportunity to do something actionable using that understanding and those deep-seeded desires to come to the rescue, to connect, to help, to show love in practical ways. I pledge my hands to larger service. This is where we jump into action, starting with, What would be useful to you right now?” And if they don’t know at the moment, then we can imagine how to help. It’s a skillset. We can call to check on them, send some groceries, bring a home-cooked meal, send a comfort card, drop by with some flowers, text a beautiful ballad.
Simply telling our children to be kind without telling them why will mean their kindness comes out of compliance, which won’t be as meaningful or long-lasting. When we understand (empathy) and feel (compassion) the why, our kindness goes deeper.
According to Dr. Borba, empathy is the glue that will hold humanity together. The key is to look for those intentional moments to weave empathy-stretching into your classroom day.
Brené Brown uses the words holding space to describe one of the keys to empathy.
But how do I make sure that I’m holding space with you, looking at life through your lenses, seeing what you see, understanding your story, and feeling all the feels with you as you feel them, much less teach it to the learners under my care?
Start by listening, actively listening, to understand rather than to respond.
Then, when it is our turn to talk, we get curious:
Tell me more about that.
Help me understand.
What’s going well?
What’s the easiest part?
What’s not going so well?
What’s the hardest part?
What do you wish were different?
Is there anything within your circle of control that you can change?
How can I help?
My counseling colleague Jerry D. Clark, LPC, refers to these empathy inquiries as gently-curious questions. Some of his favorites to use with his clients include:
What else can you tell me about this?
Can you elaborate or give me an example?
What do you need from me?
What is not being said that needs to be said?
If we want kindness to become our schools’ way of life rather than just a fun day on the calendar, we must teach and practice these strategies for elevating empathy. We sharpen our empathy skills by experiencing it:
Point out how others are feeling: “She looks sad.” or “He looks distressed.”
Model imagining how they are feeling. “If I were in that situation, I might feel … “
Check it out with them by asking how they are feeling.
Teach emotional literacy and validate feelings: “That sounds scary.”
Switch roles to feel the other side; practice perspective-taking.
Research non-profits like Meals on Wheels that might need your help.
Brainstorm actionable ways to show compassion and kindness.
Read and/or watch fiction to help elevate empathy.
As we dig into fiction, whether it be picture books for our younger learners or chapter books for our older readers, these inquiries are useful:
How is that character feeling?
How can you tell?
What do you think they could do?
What would you do if you were in their shoes?
What do you imagine that experience would be like?
With a strong understanding of why the other person is in need, we can feel the urgency of the experience, give compassion wings, and get ready to soar to the rescue, not to fix anything for anyone, but to be there to comfort, encourage, and support. Each and every moment of each and every day, we think we our hearts and stand ready to serve.
Consider some of the service-learning projects we led at Westwood Elementary, a 2008 National School of Character, in Friendswood, TX, during my tenure as a school counselor there.
Sweets For Our Soldiers: We asked our families to create kindness in their kitchens by making cookies, brownies and Rice Krispie treats, then we made Valentines and sent boxes to servicemen and women on active deployment overseas. Our local Rotary paid for the postage and our Parent Teacher Organization helped us pack the boxes, hugs from home as our soldiers called them.
Knit One, Save One: Our third-grade students formed a Knit-For-Service club so that they could learn to knit. Our initial project was a Warm Up, America! Patchwork quilt that we donated to a nursing-home resident locally. After researching other needs and hearing from a Save The Children speaker, we started turning those patches into baby hats to save the lives of preemies in developing countries.
Veterans’ Day Celebrations: Our first-grade patriots hold an annual Veterans’ Day celebration to thank those who have served. They write them letters, draw them pictures, and learn patriotic songs to sing to them at a breakfast that’s held in their honor. We even partnered with the Daughters of the American Revolution to give them all a hand-held American flag. This entire event is a beautiful act of kindness, and we heard over and over again that this was the first time that they’d been celebrated in this way.
Pinwheels For Peace: To celebrate International Day of Peace on September 21st each year, we would send home a Pinwheel template and invite families to work together to create a family crest or portrait around what world peace means to them, how they contribute to it as a family, and why it’s so important to our community, our state, our country and our world. Then we sing together while we plant our pinwheels into the ground outside in front of our school: Whirled Peace, a poignant metaphor.
We also invested our energy and time in service projects like participating in Food Drives, collecting Pencils for Africa, hosting an Undy 500 for our friends in the Ukraine, supporting an all-inclusive community playground, sending school supplies to children in Iraq, gathering pet supplies for local animal shelters, Trick or Treating for Unicef, and participating in the Great Kindness Challenge every January.
Health. And the benefit, beyond warming our world and making it better because of our kindness crusade? Our brain chemistry explodes with awesome feel-good hormones, not only when we do kind acts, but also when we receive them and witness them. Imagine a cocktail of endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin at work to equip, empower, and energize us, at our fingertips, 24/7, 365, courtesy of kindness. I pledge my health to better living for my club, my community, my country, and my world.
Here’s to making every day Kindness Day.
BARBARA GRUENER
A nationally-recognized speaker, veteran educator, and author of three Mom’s Choice Gold Award books, Barbara Gruener thrives on positively influencing character change, passionately helping people stay in the moment to create caring connections, and intentionally improving school climate and culture. Her innovative, inspirational ideas are sparked by forty years in education growing alongside learners from every age and stage on her home campus as well as in myriad schools around the country. Barbara’s high energy growth sessions have captivated educators and encouraged them to go that extra mile to connect by heart as they spread hope and joy in their character building. Though Barbara’s farming roots are in Wisconsin, she and her husband raised their now-grown family in Friendswood, Texas. She was promoted to Grammy in February of 2024, which is most certainly her best gig yet.
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Blogs: barbaragruenerauthor.com and corneroncharacter.com
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