The Battle with Self: Overcoming Self-Defeating Thoughts and Behaviors as a Leader
Robert R. Neu, Ed.S. • Benjamin C. Jenkins, Ph.D.Early in the Fall semester in the Western New Mexico University master’s degree-level educational leadership program, the Zoom class discussion deepened into active engagement. The seasoned educators, some with decades of experience, were now grappling with concepts of leadership. The excitement of stepping into new roles was still present, but a quieter undercurrent of apprehension had also surfaced.
As the weeks passed, it became clear that their journey wasn’t just about meeting the external demands of their schools or districts. They were confronting something much more personal—their own fears, doubts, and insecurities. These internal challenges began to surface during moments of self-reflection, revealing battles that went beyond the curriculum. The leaders in the making were struggling with their self-imposed limitations, questioning their ability to lead, and feeling the weight of potential failure.
During class discussions and written assignments, their apprehensions came to light. It was evident in their reflections and questions: Will my ideas be rejected? What if I fail? Am I really cut out for leadership? These questions revealed a deeper battle—one that every leader must face—the internal struggle with self-defeating thoughts.
Confronting the Battle Within
Leadership, often viewed as a matter of managing teams, driving results, and navigating external challenges, is just as much an internal journey. As Todd Henry writes in Louder Than Words, “Your voice is at the core of who you are” (Henry, 2015). To unlock their potential, leaders have to confront the fears that are holding them back from fully expressing their authentic selves.
Self-defeating behaviors are typically rooted in fear—fear of failure, judgment, or even success. These fears often lead to hesitation, over-analysis, and avoidance of risks, creating a cycle of doubt that prevents leaders from taking bold, decisive actions. Adam Grant, in Think Again, highlights that one of the greatest obstacles to leadership growth is "the reluctance to rethink and unlearn outdated practices" (Grant, 2021). This rigidity, often born from fear, holds leaders back from challenging their assumptions and embracing new ways of thinking.
Victor Vroom’s Expectancy Theory (1964) offers a valuable lens through which to understand why aspiring leaders often struggle to confront their fears. His theory asserts that motivation is a function of three factors: expectancy, or the belief that effort will lead to success; instrumentality, the perception that performance will lead to a desired outcome; and valence, the value placed on that outcome. Simply put, people are motivated to act when they believe their efforts will result in meaningful rewards. For many leaders, however, the fear of failure reduces their expectancy—the belief that they can succeed—leading them to hesitate, overanalyze, or avoid taking risks altogether. These leaders doubt whether their efforts will lead to the outcomes they desire, which creates a cycle of inaction.
By understanding this cognitive process, leaders can reframe their fears not as personal shortcomings but as natural responses to perceived barriers in their ability to succeed. Expectancy theory bridges the gap between internal fears and external performance, showing that these fears are directly tied to a leader’s belief in their potential for success. Thus, overcoming self-defeating behaviors is not only about mastering fear but also about shifting expectations and rebuilding confidence in one’s ability to perform. As the students in this course learn to challenge outdated beliefs and embrace new ways of thinking, they are also rebuilding their sense of expectancy—unlocking the motivation needed to lead with confidence and authenticity.
In essence, leadership is not just about external achievement; it’s about internal transformation, where overcoming fear and rethinking assumptions paves the way for growth and genuine self-expression.
Building Resilience Through Challenges
As the journey continues, emotional resilience has emerged as a vital theme in the development of effective leadership. Resilience—defined as the ability to not only recover from setbacks but to transform challenges into opportunities for growth—is a cornerstone of leadership. Adam Grant (2021) reframes resilience as “not just bouncing back from adversity but bouncing forward.” This powerful shift in perspective resonated deeply with the students, who began to view their struggles as stepping stones toward becoming more capable, adaptable leaders.
Resiliency theory supports this shift, emphasizing that the ability to thrive in the face of adversity is shaped by both internal and external factors that cultivate strength and perseverance. Characteristics like personal competence, problem-solving abilities, and strong social support networks are crucial in fostering resilience (Masten, 2014). For the students, setbacks were no longer perceived as failures, but as critical experiences that build resilience and enhance leadership capacity. The discomfort they faced was recontextualized as a necessary element of growth, aligning with resiliency theory’s assertion that adversity fuels development, preparing leaders for future challenges.
Through reflective practice, students recognized that their struggles were not obstacles to success, but integral parts of their leadership journey. Rather than fearing discomfort, they learned to embrace it as a catalyst for building resilience. This reframing allowed us to delve deeper into the concept of emotional intelligence—a key leadership trait that enables leaders to remain composed under pressure, manage stress, and make thoughtful decisions. As Daniel Goleman et al. (2017) highlight, emotionally intelligent leaders leverage self-awareness and self-regulation to respond constructively to challenges, further enhancing their resilience.
These aspiring leaders are beginning to grasp that leadership is not about flawless execution or always having the perfect answer. It is about embracing imperfection, learning from every obstacle, and emerging stronger with each challenge. By developing emotional resilience, they are preparing themselves not just to lead but to thrive in the face of adversity, turning every setback into an opportunity to "bounce forward."
Embracing Vulnerability as a Leadership Strength
Perhaps the most powerful breakthrough came when the students began to embrace vulnerability as a leadership strength. Vulnerability is often misunderstood as a sign of weakness, but in reality, it is a powerful tool for building trust and authentic relationships. Leaders who acknowledge their imperfections and uncertainties create a culture of openness and psychological safety, empowering their teams to take risks and share innovative ideas.
In Think Again, Grant writes, “Admitting what we don’t know gives us the opportunity to learn” (Grant, 2021). By acknowledging their gaps in knowledge, leaders encourage continuous learning and create an environment where growth is prioritized over perfection. For the students, many of whom had previously been held back by fear of failure, this shift in perspective was key to taking bold steps forward.
Simon Sinek echoes this in Leaders Eat Last, emphasizing that leaders who create an atmosphere of psychological safety allow their teams to thrive by making it safe to take risks, make mistakes, and contribute without fear of judgment (Sinek, 2014). In The Infinite Game, he adds that "vulnerability is not about winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome" (Sinek, 2019). This approach encouraged the students to embrace uncertainty and take risks, seeing vulnerability not as a liability but as a strength that fosters growth.
Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000) helps explain why vulnerability can be such a powerful leadership trait. When leaders are open about their uncertainties, they foster relatedness—creating a sense of trust and connection that allows teams to feel valued and respected. This environment encourages people to act with autonomy and seek growth, knowing they are in a supportive space. Vulnerability, therefore, not only builds trust but also empowers individuals to pursue their own learning and development.
For these aspiring leaders, embracing vulnerability became essential to unlocking not only their own potential but also the collective potential of those they lead. Leadership, in this light, is not about projecting perfection but about fostering a culture where openness and authenticity drive continuous growth and success.
Conclusion
As the semester unfolds, the class has discovered that leadership is not just a professional role to step into but a deeply personal journey. They are beginning to see that the true battle is not against external expectations but against the inner fears and doubts that have quietly held them back for so long. The challenges they once viewed as insurmountable barriers are now seen as opportunities for growth and transformation.
Expectancy and resiliency theories have helped them understand that their beliefs about their abilities shape their reality, and that resilience is not about avoiding failure but finding strength in the face of it. Todd Henry’s call to embrace one’s authentic voice, coupled with Adam Grant’s insights on the power of rethinking, have given them the courage to step forward with vulnerability. They’ve learned that real leadership is not about hiding flaws but about standing tall in the face of them, knowing that this authenticity is the key to inspiring and connecting with others.
Simon Sinek’s idea of playing the “infinite game” has shown them that leadership is not about fleeting wins or temporary triumphs. It’s about a long-term commitment to growth, to the people they lead, and to the mission they believe in. They are beginning to accept that this journey is not about perfection but about resilience, vulnerability, and the courage to evolve.
Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000) reminds them that fulfilling their intrinsic needs for autonomy, competence, and connection is what will drive them forward, not external recognition or rewards. By facing their fears and embracing the unknown, they are not just becoming leaders; they are finding the courage to become the fullest versions of themselves.
The greatest realization is that their strength was always there, waiting to be unlocked. With every step they take—every bold decision, every moment of vulnerability—they are shedding the weight of self-doubt and uncovering the leaders they were meant to be. It is a journey of becoming, one that is as much about personal freedom as it is about guiding others, and they are ready to take it.
References
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist.
Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R., & McKee, A. (2017). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.
Grant, A. (2021). Think again: The power of knowing what you don't know. Viking.
Henry, T. (2015). Louder than words: Harness the power of your authentic voice. Penguin Random House.
Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary magic: Resilience in development. The Guilford Press.
Sinek, S. (2014). Leaders eat last: Why some teams pull together and others don’t. Penguin Random House.
Sinek, S. (2019). The infinite game. Penguin Random House.
Vroom, V. H. (1964). Work and motivation. Wiley.
ROB NEU, Ed.S.
Robert Neu is a leader in education reform initiatives in school culture, equity, and closing opportunity and achievement gaps. He served 10 years as Superintendent in Michigan, Washington State, and Oklahoma. He is an Assistant Professor and Director of the Educational Leadership program at Western New Mexico University.
He is a co-developer of a research-based school culture framework that defines, measures, and monitors school culture in real-time. He currently provides leadership coaching for school and district leaders through dialogic organizational development based on generative change theory systems processes that transform school district culture into futures-literate organizations.
Rob has presented at national and international conferences, including the Beijing Institute of Education, the Korean Ministry of Education, and the University of Oulu Teacher Training School in Oulu, Finland. His topics include school transformation, equity, social justice reform, social emotional learning, and promoting healthy school culture.
DR. BENJAMIN C. JENKINS
Dr. Benjamin C. Jenkins, PhD, CRC, is a leader in education and rehabilitation counseling with expertise in organizational and behavioral psychology. With a strong commitment to fostering inclusion and leadership, particularly within Hispanic serving and frontier communities, Dr. Jenkins has spent his career advancing innovative educational practices that prioritize student well-being and empowerment. His work spans the development of futures-literate leadership models and collaborative, student-centered learning approaches.
As an associate professor and founding department chair at Western New Mexico University, Dr. Jenkins combines his extensive academic background with real-world experience in diverse, often underserved communities. His deep expertise in rehabilitation counseling, alongside a passion for promoting optimism and self-determination in education, continues to shape his leadership philosophy and inspire future educators, professionals, and leaders to embrace resilience, equity, and social responsibility in their practices.
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